Li Wei was stunned for a moment: “What?”
Mo Xi still wouldn’t look up, his sculpted features hidden in the shadows, as he spoke in a deep and nasally tone: “If he still remembers some things, then his mind and heart[1] definitely has not been completely destroyed. He’s faking.”
“How is this possible?” Li Wei’s eyes widened. “Gu Mang’s illness was diagnosed by Sheng NongTai[2], and the best doctor in ZhongHua, doctor Jiang has diagnosed him too; his spirit is broken, he’s lost part of his soul, his mind is insane, he thinks he is a wolf--”
“Have you ever seen a wolf who would rather hurt himself than hurt others?!”
Li Wei was shocked.
Was he seeing wrong? The whites in XiHe-Jun’s eyes were starting to redden and tear up.
“S-Sir, why do you say that...”
Mo Xi shut his eyes and reopened them; his anger wasn’t necessarily directed at Li Wei, he just really did not wish to hear anything similar to “Gu Mang doesn’t remember anything” being said.
“In WangShu. Mu RongLian gave him two choices, either break one of my arms, or slash his own face.” Mo Xi turned his head to stare at the shadow of a tree for a moment, and muttered “He chose the latter.”
Li Wei: “...”
“Tell me, what wolf would make that choice?”
Li Wei thought, ‘Tell you? What the hell am I supposed to tell you! Look at your short temper, if I were to say that maybe Gu Mang just didn’t understand WangShu-Jun’s question, there’s no way you wouldn’t jump up and kick me to death??’
When that day began, Mo Xi seemed somewhat bewitched.
Although Li Wei later told Mo Xi this when his mood was quite lighthearted, he euphemistically expressed to Mo Xi that “Gu Mang’s mind is really bad right now, he can’t understand many words, and talking to him is much like communicating with a three-year old, sometimes I must repeat a sentence multiple times,” however Mo Xi’s heart could not give up that faint hope.
Finally, Li Wei had no choice, and said: “Sir, then why don’t you go and reconfirm at Shen NongTai[2].”
“.....”
ShennongTai had a lot of Mu RongLian’s people, so Mo Xi didn’t want to go.
Li Wei offered another suggestion: “Then why don’t you go to the royal medical center, you can ask pharmacist Jiang.”
Pharmacist Jiang was a very cold, distant and strict person, so Mo Xi did not have a good impression of him. But in the end, Mo Xi was not able to calm the torment in his heart, so he went to visit the him. Outside of the pharmacist’s beautiful, extravagant house, his junior sincerely said: “XiHe-Jun, manager Jiang has left to pick medicinal herbs.”
“Then when will he return?”
“The manager is uncertain, it could be three to five days, or three to five months.”
“Did he tell you where he went?”
“The manager is picking herbs, so he will be traveling everywhere[3].”
Mo Xi became quiet, watching the junior’s carefree[4] disposition, and he could only nod, and turn his horse around to go back.
Maybe because of how deep Mo Xi’s obsession was, he spent the entire day thinking about Gu Mang’s situation, and so that night, Mo Xi had a dream.
In the dream, he vaguely returned to that time from so many years ago, he finally understood his own worries at the moment, and he couldn’t wait to return to the day he wished to confess on.
On that silent night, he was at the border.
He was very youthful, not even 20 years of age yet. At that time he hadn’t even become Weizhensihai’s XiHe-Jun, and Gu Mang was still overshadowed by Mu RongLian.
They had fought a huge war, many people had died, and when Mo Xi was picking up his fallen comrade’s belongings, he noticed a blood splotched love letter by Hong Yan, and he stared at it for a long time.
Mo Xi’s family was unlucky, ever since he was a child he had seen people lying to each other, and people using and betraying other people.
This was his first time seeing such real and passionate love.
The frater who had died in war was a crude man, he was a man who normally would not read books, but even through the fire and smoke of war he diligently wrote out that type of letter word by word and phrase by phrase, and the letter did not talk of the pains of war, nor the honor and merit of it, it only talked of the mole next to the girl’s eyebrow, of a nF[ew crop being planted into the court.
‘When the flowers bloom next year, while Xiao Yuan sings I will play my Xiao[5].’
--Clumsily, although the poem wasn’t neat or well-written, it was still gentle, like a water droplet falling.
It was surprising that the poem was actually written by such an awkward and dull man.
When he wrote it, it was as if he had really seen a coming year’s victory parade, as if he could envision the girl called Xiao Yuan in that meadow singing while he played his Xiao.
In the end the bloodstained note was the only letter left.
Mo Xi couldn’t express how the bottom of his heart truly felt at that time, and he sat at his bed for a very long time; in his hand he clutched that very note.
‘When the flowers bloom next year, while Xiao Yuan sings I will play my Xiao.’
If Mo Xi were to die today, would there be anybody he wouldn’t be able to let go of?
He was very quickly able to think of a familiar figure. But he didn’t necessarily realize he cared, until after a long time, and then he reacted--freezing in his spot, he broke out into a cold sweat--it was as if there was a fire suddenly lit inside of his chest, as it suddenly spread throughout his body. But it was as if the fire had always been there quietly warming his heart, lapping at his insides, tormenting him.
Only he had never noticed it, never understanding what his repressed emotions were.
He sat there dumbly, the fire in his heart burning brighter and brighter; some things within him collapsing, others fixing themselves.
Outside of the camp a monk cried over his dead peers, the sound blending with the faint sound of an ocarina[6] and a quiet wind.
Mo Xi grasped the thin paper in his hand. Tomorrow, who else would die?
Tomorrow, who else’s hopes and dreams will bleed?
Suddenly, he no longer was able to resist the impulse in his heart, and flung open a curtain, immediately bumped into his pharmacist, which scared the pharmacist for a moment: “Mo Gongzi?”
Mo Xi didn’t answer, and instead strode out of the camp, stepping faster and faster, with the bloodied letter stuffed into his robe’s sleeve; he was going to bring the letter back with him and deliver it to “Xiao Yuan”, however at the moment he was anxious to find someone, suddenly becoming very restless, as if if he didn’t say what he wished to say, he would never have another chance to say it tomorrow; as death was imminent.
“Mo Gongzi! Mo Gongzi! ”
The white robed pharmacist chased after him out of the camp, shouting at him: “Mo Gongzi, the bandage on your arm--”
But Mo Xi ignored him, not wishing to manage that small and insignificant of an injury, and ran out of the camp alone, conjured a spirit horse, and rode off with said horse.
As snow and wind pelted Mo Xi’s face, behind him the garrison barracks were making a noise that seemed like a flock of pigeons squabbling, the fragmented sounds fading more and more the further he went. There was a knot of blood boiling in his heart, and he gravely wished to find Gu Mang, who was on night duty, and pour out his thoughts for him to hear.
Mo Xi could hear his own thudding pulse, a fire of worry burning smoke within his heart, and despite the clear wind and snow, his palms were slightly damp with sweat.
“Where’s Gu Mang?”
Once he reached the heart of the northern barracks, before he had even got off his horse Mo Xi, while out of breath, hurriedly asked the monks of the army garrison.
“I am looking for him, where is he?”
The monk saw him in such a hurry, and was startled: “Mo, Mo GongZi is there an urgent report?”
“What urgent report; do I have to have an urgent report everytime I wish to meet with someone?” He huffed out hot white mist, as his tone grew more and more impatient.
“Then you….”
The monk’s gaze scanned over Mo Xi’s injured arm, and he hesitated for a moment, not pressing further on the issue, however Mo Xi already understood what the monk was thinking-- ‘Then you should be resting and waiting for your injury to heal, but instead, against the snow and wind, you came from the South Army to the Northern Army to find this unknown soldier, and for what?’
Mo Xi was much too anxious.
And too impulsive.
He had just figured out this one thing, this one very important thing, a thing that has been bothering him for a long time. He absolutely had to find Gu Mang, and if he didn’t find Gu Mang immediately, it was as though all his passion and dedication would erode and burn away within this one night.
It was in his nature to do as he says without changing his mind or backing out, if he realized he wanted something he wouldn’t stop until he had it in his hand, and back then he was still young, never experiencing the bitterness of love.
He hadn't considered the consequences at all, had never thought about the fragility of human morality, hadn’t thought about whether or not he would be rejected or not.
He hadn’t understood anything, but boldly went forth holding his heart out like a fool, impulsively coming to the outside of Gu Mang’s camp and standing outside of the military tent, with his fingers trembling ever so slightly, his blood heating up more and more, and his heartbeat speeding up more and more. Finally, his throat began closing up, and so he took a deep breath, and “wooshed” open the curtained entrance.
“Gu Mang--”
A prim and proper monk turned to look at him; it was Gu Mang’s friend at the time, Lu ZhanXing.
Lu ZhangXi was also Mu RongLian’s tutor; he grew up alongside Gu Mang and had an unreasonable temper. He was in the tent studying a book on swordsmanship while simultaneously chewing on some fruit, and when he saw Mo Xi, he was stunned: “Mo GongZi?”
“.....”
“Why are you here?”
“Where is Gu Mang?”
“So you’re looking for him.” Lu ZhangXi chewed on his juicy pear, and suddenly began to laugh rudely, “Why are so many people looking for him tonight?”
“... Who else is looking for him.”
“Oh, nobody important, just a few of our friends, looking to bring him to a nearby village to play; Mo Gongzi, you don’t know them. I was going to go too, but it turns out my leg hasn’t completely healed yet, so I was too lazy to go run with them….”
Lu ZhangXi continued to beat around the bush, and within Mo Xi’s heart his anxiety began to worsen; biting his lip, he asked: “Where did he go?”
Lu ZhangXi smiled and opened his mouth, ready to answer his question.
But just as Mo Xi was about to dream his answer, he felt a pain.
--It was as if his heart had instinctively wished to protect itself, and didn’t wish to experience that pain again, so the sky suddenly began pitch black, crushing the answer. The dream was blown away like the most fragile dust.
The black color became darker and darker, the dream becoming heavier and heavier, until there was no longer any sound.
Finally, the dream world was empty.
Everything became static.
The second day, Mo Xi awoke to the birds chirping in his garden, and he slowly squinted, gradually waking up fully; it was as if the rose tinted spectacles he had been wearing had finally shattered[7].
“.... Gu Mang….”
As if he was still dreaming, he lifted his hand; he could only feel his palm’s warmth, and there were still a few thin beads of sweat on it, he could still clearly recall all of those feelings of fiery passion from his youth, but the contents of the dream had gradually become muddled.
“Master.” Seeing that he was awake, Li Wei shuffled over to him, bowing, “ChangFeng-Jun had some people send you his gifts earlier, the gifts are in the reception pavilion, you should go see whether you’d like to keep them or not.”
“ChangFeng-Jun?”
Having just woken up completely, after dreaming of a past that made him listless, and even despite being the smart and sharp XiHe-Jun, he couldn’t really recover from that dream. A while passed before he rubbed at his forehead and furrowed his eyebrows, finally recalling who ChangFeng-Jun was-
He was an unfortunate[8] old nobleman, however, despite having “nobleman” as his status, it was in name only. ChangFeng-Jun had not seen and been with other people for many many years.
Mo Xi suddenly felt a bit of anger rise up as he got out of bed, as he once again rubbed at his forehead, asking: “What is he trying to gain in suddenly sending me gifts?”
“He didn’t say.”
Mo Xi was an honorable man, pausing for a moment before saying: “Then return the gifts to him, just say I received his sincerity and emotions; since there’s nothing to celebrate, I do not want it.”
“Yes sir.”
After Mo Xi washed up and changed, he went to the reception hall: It was seriously insane, pearls and jade, rolls of silk, gift boxes of precious medicine; seeing all this made his brow furrow, and he called Li Wei, who was busy, over.
“Did ChangFeng-Jun commit a crime?”
“What?” Li Wei was stunned. “No he hasn’t.”
“Then what is the meaning of this?”
“This….” Li Wei thought to himself, ‘ChangFeng-Jun recently had angered many people at the XiuZhen palace due to his daughter’s affairs, and a few of those families currently have a lot of power. That was when he decided to send gifts to XiHe-Jun, clearly wishing to test the waters, seeing if he could flatter the recently returned general and gain his help.’
However the Li chamberlain was pretty smart, and he knew that it was best not to get involved with certain families’ situations, then said: “Not even Master knows why he would do this, so there’s no way I would know either.”
Mo Xi’s eyes swept over the gifts a few more times, still pondering the other’s intentions, but in the end he was too lazy to care anymore. He only fiddled with his sleeves, and said: “I am going out, and I will not be coming back this noon, tell the kitchen staff that meals are not necessary.”
“Oh….” Li Wei answered, but couldn’t help peeking at Mo Xi for a moment.
Master, these days are not quite right.
It seems that after returning from the WangShu prefecture, even if they didn’t have military meetings, no matter what the weather was[9] he would run outside everyday, sometimes running for half a day, sometimes running for a full day, sometimes only returning late at night. And he wouldn’t even let the chamberlain follow him.
‘Looking at the clues, no matter how he looked at it it felt like he was meeting with and courting a woman……’
As soon as the thought came out, Li Wei was so shocked he almost broke out into a cold sweat--
‘Nonono!
How could it be, how could it be?’
Before there was Meng Ze, and then there was Yan Ping, not to mention the other famous daughters and cheap, flirty sluts, all of them had attempted to melt the ice cold heart of XiHe-Jun, but no one had managed to succeed yet.
Li Wei thought, if XiHe-Jun could actually date some girl behind everybody’s back, then who could this horrible seductress have possibly been.
Mo Xi’s face was grim as he sat down at the tea shop near the edge of the street, and he ordered a pot of YangXian tea. The tea was delivered shortly after, accompanied with some dried fruit preserves; Mo Xi slowly sipped the tea, his slender, long eyes shining as though there were stars reflected in them, and he looked towards the street.
Across the street was FAllen Blossom Courtyard’s lotus pond.
And the dirty “source of calamity” had not appeared in a long time.
Some time ago, Gu Mang would spend his time here spacing out everyday; not doing anything, just standing there alone on the pontoon bridge, and without making a sound, staring at the fish in the lotus pond.
His face would be utterly blank, like a heavy blizzard.
At first Mo Xi hadn’t known what was so interesting about the fish, until one time, he found Gu Mang attempting to grab a fish with his hand-- obviously the fish wasn’t caught, so the kneeling man at the shore of the pond just blankly stared at the koi fish that was slowly fading farther and farther away, his Adam’s apple rolling, and he swallowed, vision finally refocusing.
Mo Xi finally understood, he was just hungry.
That day Mu RongLian had said she would be cutting down his food for that month, it had been ten days at that point. So, apparently the wronged Gu Mang was attempting to catch his own fish to eat….
But he still didn’t quite understand what was going on, and from that day on, Gu Mang had not appeared again, and although Mo Xi visited everyday, he never saw his squatting silhouette on the bridge again.
Today was no exception.
Slowly, his tea had been drunk until empty, and he asked the owner for another pot, sitting there for a long time, but never being able to meet Gu Mang.
This person had already not come out for five consecutive days, perhaps something had happened in Fallen Blossom Courtyard?
Mo Xi thought like this for a while; his face seeming to be indifferent, even though his heart had began to grow with worry. He endured it, and finished the last bit of tea in his cup, but it was hard to kill off the fire in his heart. Finally he got up, walking across the street--
Shoebitchy's Translator Notes:
[1]心智 means “heart” and “wisdom,” there’s no direct translation for this.
[2]ShenNongTai is a place
[3]五湖四海 is an idiom that means across the 5 lakes and 4 oceans.
[4]摇头晃脑: He is shaking his head and kind of swaying around?
[5]This line briefly switches to the POV of the person who wrote the letter? Also, a 箫 (xiao) is a type of chinese instrument that resembles a flute.
[6]埙 is a chinese ocarina.
[7]so yeah i avoided translating this line for so long. it mentioned flowers in mirrors and the moon reflected in a lake and like. metaphorically it kind of means that he’s come back to reality instead of being in a fantasy world?? honestly i don't know i give up
[8]落魄 in this context is like. he used to have money but then bad things happened, and he probably lost his money happened to him.
[9]they said 雷打不动 which just means even if there’s thunder he would still go out.
Dante's Notes: Thinking of doing a multiple chapter update...just kidding! Unless?...